Reaching For Roles

I was thumbing through a bridal magazine the other day and noticed that they had an advice column, so I stopped to skim through the questions and answers. I have been finding myself doing that a lot lately and I have come to the conclusion that not everyone belongs giving advice, especially if you have no experience in the field that you are advising. You do not see me writing a blog about how the Saints played last week (tear), so if you are a sports writer, stick to sports and leave the etiquette questions to me!
At any rate, here’s a perfect example of what I am talking about. A reader wrote in to say that she and her fiancé are blessed to have many people who are close to them, but they recently decided to have a small wedding party composed of just family. The reader went on to say that they would like to give some of their friends a special role in their big day, but if they are not standing at the altar with them, what are some other options.
This is actually a very common question and typically I suggest that you start with the “go to” positions - readers, gift bearers, Eucharistic ministers, greeters to hand out programs, ushers – anything pertaining to a Mass or a ceremony that will be more detailed than strictly exchanging vows. When these “go to” positions are not an option, the bride and groom must then decide if the roles they give their friends to get them involved in the wedding are actually going to make them feel involved or put out.
For instance, the response from the writer of this advice column suggested that the bride and groom consider having an older ring bearer. I am not sure what her idea of older is, but I am pretty sure this couple is not looking for a role filled by an 8 year old and I am almost positive that no 25 year old man is going to carry a pillow on his hand walking down the aisle in front of his fraternity brothers. She also suggested that they pick someone who’s fantastic at public speaking and have them emcee the reception. First of all, when was the last time you attended a New Orleans wedding and had someone emceeing the event? Secondly, would you want to be attending a best friend’s wedding and have to be responsible for keeping the party going all night instead of hanging out with the rest of your friends?
While I can see that thinking outside of the box is sometimes necessary to get all of your best friends and closest family included in your special day, making them pass champagne, serve your cake or emcee your wedding reception can make them feel belittled. It also takes them away from having time to celebrate with you, and the whole point is to have them with you, not to ask your best friends to do a job that your caterer or DJ should be doing.
My suggestion is to provide reserved seating at the ceremony for these special friends and/or family members, have corsages and boutonnières for each of them and even include them in the preparation of your day by having lunch or brunch with the entire group or have them in your hotel room for cocktails while you are getting your hair and make-up done. I had a bride in the exact same situation and had all of her closest girlfriends wear the same color and the groom’s closest friends wore the same tie. It was a great idea and the group of friends loved it (and so did the photographer!).
The bottom line is to think about it from your own perspective; wouldn’t you rather have your best friend come to you and say “I really want to include all of you in my wedding ceremony, but we decided to keep it small by only having our family so I’d like you to be with me on my wedding day for hair, make-up, lunch and cocktails as I prepare” or would you rather her say “I could not think of any other way to include you so I’d like you to be a 30 year old flower girl and throw petals at my feet just before I come down the aisle”? I do not know about you, but I’d rather the cocktails!