Bridesmaid Wars

One role that often brings or comes with controversy in a wedding is the role of a bridesmaid. The question of responsibility is always one that sneaks its way into the mind of at least one of the girls that the bride has blessed with such a sacred privilege. We do not always remember that being asked to be a bridesmaid is in fact a question and can be answered with a NO! Nevertheless, we take our chances and hope that the bride does not break the bank with her choice of dress, accessories, an overwhelming number of showers which will require an overwhelming number of gifts, etc. The truth is that the financial responsibility put on these bridesmaids can get out of control very quickly but, to be honest, sometimes it is not the fault of the bride at all.
I am sure that all of you can think about the countless bridesmaid meetings that you have attended where you and the rest of the girls have gotten together to plan the bridal shower. And I am sure that you can all agree that tensions run high when a group of girls have to agree on the planning of a party, not to mention the picking a dress – but that’s another story! You know that you always have that girl who says “Well if it’s about the money, then I’ll pay it. I do not care,” yet when the planning of the shower is over and the total cost is divided, somehow the price for the mint julep favors that the maid of honor thought would make the party perfect ends up in the final total. You are also familiar with the conversation about budget and how much the group will spend in total, but somehow, when the task list is being completed by each individual, there are always a few people who cannot stay within the budget and the shower ends up costing an extra $50 to $100 a piece. At that point, we all know that she who complains is a bad friend – at least that’s what girls want to make you believe. Well, I’m here to tell you that is not the case.
The situation is this: none of us knows each other’s lives and financial standing enough to say who can afford what. So when it comes to sitting down with a group to plan your obligations to the wedding, stick to the price that you all agreed upon and if you know that if you cannot, then you alone will pay the difference. It is called a budget; learn how to work within one or waste your own money. You cannot expect others to pay the price because you got carried away while shopping for the decorations. (Just a side note, fellow bridesmaids – understand that just because someone cannot afford something or thinks that something is a waste of money does not mean that they care less about the bride than you do.)
Often times control plays such a big role in the tension that comes from the maids getting together to agree on things. Everyone wants to think that they know the bride the best, that they are willing to the do the most and that they have the idea that will change everything. The truth is, you are all important enough to the bride in one way or another that you are in the same boat – you are a bridesmaid. Even you, maid of honor, have to understand that there are other people’s voices involved and the bride is the one that hand-picked these voices whether you like it or not.
The best thing that you all can do is get together, brainstorm ideas and come up with something that works for the majority of the people involved. Share all of your ideas, but understand that if your idea is not accepted by all, your life will go on. Put a budget in place and stick with it. If you think of something that might be a nice addition, consult all of the girls before purchasing it and if it is not agreed on by everyone, either pay for it yourself, or drop it.
Also, be kind enough to understand if there is someone who voices her financial restraints. Proceed in the most budget-minded way possible and then, if you are in good financial standing, you pick up the tab for any extras that you do not want to go without. But please note that bragging about how much more money you spent only makes you look shallow and desperate to buy the friendship of the bride.
Last but not least, do learn how to go with the flow. Learn that not everything is as big of a deal as people make it and learn that drama only makes the experience less fun, so try to avoid it. Communicate, be considerate and open to other’s ideas, but in the end, majority rules.