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Saturday, March 12, 2011

Realistic Requests - The Bride/The Bridesmaid

A couple of weeks ago I wrote an entry about bridesmaids and their etiquette towards each other, but I did not have the opportunity to speak about the other party that drives the finances and emotions for the bridesmaids involved in a wedding: the Bride.

We all know that buying a dress comes with the territory of being a bridesmaid, but we also know that we wait with baited breath to see what dress the bride will pick for us and how much it will cost. The worst case scenario is the bride who picks some Vera Wang dress that she believes can be “worn again” (as they all think the dresses they pick can be “worn again”) that costs more than an entire wardrobe. We also know that it’s par for the course to throw and attend the bridal shower, but what about the bride who invites you to all five of her other celebrations and expects a gift for every invite given? There’s the engagement party, the stock the bar shower, the couple’s shower, the honey do shower and, of course, the lingerie shower. To top it all off, there’s the bride who, after all of that, gets upset if you do not travel to Vegas for a weekend bachelorette celebration which consists of three nights at the Bellagio hotel, dinner at every restaurant owed by a celebrity, followed up by multiple nights celebrating “with the Kardashians” at Pure.

Now, I know that not every bride is like this – everyone knows that I like to pick the most dramatic cases to illustrate points in this blog. Nevertheless, let’s take a look at a typical tab that even the most mild-mannered bride runs up for her maids.
Bridesmaids dress -$200
Hair on the day of the wedding - $50
Make-up on the day of the wedding - $75
Bridal shower - $100
Bachelorette party (if local) - $100

The total is $525 before we add shoes, jewelry, extra shower gifts and/or a wedding gift. You can see how things can get out of control very quickly, and if you are at an age where many of your friends are getting married at the same time, finances can become a big issue.

I’ve devised a little “bridal etiquette” for the brides to keep in mind when putting demands on the bridesmaids. Hopefully these are some ways to relieve the stress from the maids and give the bride a new way to think about the expenses that surely add up.
#1. If you have multiple showers that you’d like your bridesmaids invited to, please tell them directly that gifts are not expected nor will they be accepted. Everyone knows that the typical shower rule is that no one person should be invited to more than one shower. The idea of this rule is to eliminate asking the same people to bring gifts to 5 different celebrations. I think, if you want to invite some of the same guests, such as your bridal party, it is your duty to let those people know that you want them there to celebrate with you, not so you can get another gift.

#2. Please let your bridal party know that a wedding gift is not necessary either. I personally do not believe in giving the bride a wedding gift if I am standing in the wedding. I think throughout the process, enough gifts are typically given that by the end of the engagement, your bridal party has done enough for you. I do sometimes give (and did receive for my wedding) personal gifts such as a “goodie basket” for the honeymoon (thank you, college friends) or a framed picture of something that meant a lot to myself and the bride or the bride and the groom. A gift that is personal is more than acceptable, but I do not feel that the bridesmaids should be made to feel pressure to gift like the rest of your guests.

#3. A good rule of thumb, and proper etiquette, is that if you are going to make your bridesmaids do or buy something specific, as the bride, you should cover the expense. Hair and make-up are the perfect example. If you offer the option of getting hair and/or make-up done, but leave the final decision up to each girl, the bride is not responsible for footing the bill. In situations where you are bringing someone in and requiring that each girl have her hair done a certain way by a certain person, then the responsibility is on you.

#4. Some of the extras that add up and are not necessary are things like jewelry and shoes. Typically, at the bridal luncheon, the bride will give gifts to all of her maids. A great gift to give is always jewelry, especially if you have something specific that you want your girls to wear. Another “uniform” item that brides tend to fixate on is the shoes. Depending on how many girls you have, what style dress and how uniform you want to be, sometimes requiring that your girls buy the same shoes is an added expense that is un-necessary. Besides, many times, the bride tries to find a cheap pair of shoes so that the cost will not be too great for her maids. The shoes end up looking worse than if she would have given the girls a color to stick with and pick their own. A good suggestion would be to pick a color (stay neutral) and let the girls get their own or give the shoes to each girl as a gift, along with the jewelry.

As always, there are multiple sides to every story and I want to make sure to cover one of the most important things about being a bridesmaid that I do not need an entire entry to cover – If you really do not want to be a bridesmaid and be supportive to your friend who is the bride or you cannot afford the bare minimum that goes into being a bridesmaid, just say NO. Also remember that no matter who you are, when it is your turn to get married you too will want everything to be over the top and for all of our friends to want to celebrate and want to do whatever you want to make the wedding and the experience perfect. Keep that in mind when you don’t even want to go out for the bachelorette party or you are complaining about every dress that the bride picks… when it’s your turn, you can pay if forward!

When it comes to the bride, do keep in mind the small tips that I gave about being creative with the things you want and taking on some of the responsibility when forcing your girls to tackle such great financial tasks. The fact is, you are the bride and you deserve to have whatever you want for your big day, but being realistic to the situations of everyone involved is very important. Stay reasonable and understanding to the financial demands that you are putting on people and make sure you let your girls know upfront what you expect or don’t expect. Let them get excited about things by getting them involved in decisions which will not only make them feel like a part of things but also help them to pick what is most comfortable financially for them!

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