Choose Wisely

While on my wonderful vacation last week, I had lunch with a friend of mine whose conversation quickly turned our relaxing lunch date into a blog-worthy work session.

It seems a friend of hers is getting married and although she is not a bridesmaid, her friend expects her to do all of the work of a maid of honor, plus more. The ridiculous requests of this bride-to-be got me thinking about expectations placed on bridesmaids and why we pick the maids we pick. Do we expect too much, do we make it easy for our friends to say “yes” and if we do not expect them to participate at all, why did we ask them? Furthermore, if you have a friend that you love spending time with so much and cherish her opinion more than any other, why was she not picked to stand beside you on your special day?

All of these questions are worth asking yourself before you pick your bridesmaids starting with why we pick the girls we pick. You should be asking yourself: Am I just asking this friend to be in my wedding because she had me in hers? Do I feel an obligation? Is my mother making me ask my cousin so my aunt does not get upset? If the answer to any of these questions is “yes,” then you need to think long and hard before asking a “friend” or family member to commit to such an important job.

You should be asking yourself: Has this person been there for the important events in my past? Will this person be there for the important events in my future? Does this person support me and my future husband? Will she be a reliable friend when the road gets rough and will she have a blast with the preparations of my wedding? If the answer to these questions is “yes,” then you’ve found your bridal party!

The next question you should be asking yourself is, “What do I expect from my bridesmaids?” The truth is we want to believe that our friends and family are just as excited about our wedding as we are, and sometimes that is the case. Other times, while the excitement and joy may be there, they can not always show it in the ways we’d like. For instance, expecting your bridal party to put their life on hold, leave work, or run over for a cry-fest every time you have a wedding mini-crisis, is just not realistic (that’s what your wedding planner is for!). Also, expecting your bridal party to pay for your lavish tastes is also a major no-no.

Another friend of mine, while on this wonderful vacation, spoke to me about her bride-to-be friend who expects her, as a bridesmaid, to pay over $300 for a Vera Wang dress and take care of the expenses that come from traveling to Puerto Rico, since that is where the wedding will be held. Along with those expenses comes the cost of showers, gifts, hair and make up on the day of the wedding, shoes and a bachelorette party, just to name a few.

I can definitely understand a destination wedding and I can certainly understand a Vera Wang dress, but most of my brides who have asked for such a huge financial commitment have covered some of the cost in order to give their girls a break and make it comfortable for everyone no matter their position in life at the time. If you choose your girls for the right reasons, it should be more important to make it feasible for your girls to participate than to cause them to drop out due to your outlandish requests.

The bottom line when it comes to bridesmaids is – pick the girls you love the most who will make the most out of your wedding excitement and who will try the hardest to be a part of it. It is true that it’s all about the bride, but I find that the bride who does not enter into the wedding preparation with that mind set, enjoys her engagement and wedding a whole lot more. She also enters into marriage with a lot more friends! After all, the wedding only lasts a day, but if you choose the right bridesmaids, those relationships will last well beyond the style of that Vera Wang dress. Be aware of what you are asking and who you expect to rise to your challenging requests.