I was thumbing through a bridal magazine the other day and noticed that they had an advice column, so I stopped to skim through the questions and answers. I have been finding myself doing that a lot lately and I have come to the conclusion that not everyone belongs giving advice, especially if you have no experience in the field that you are advising. You do not see me writing a blog about how the Saints played last week (tear), so if you are a sports writer, stick to sports and leave the etiquette questions to me!
At any rate, here’s a perfect example of what I am talking about. A reader wrote in to say that she and her fiancé are blessed to have many people who are close to them, but they recently decided to have a small wedding party composed of just family. The reader went on to say that they would like to give some of their friends a special role in their big day, but if they are not standing at the altar with them, what are some other options.
This is actually a very common question and typically I suggest that you start with the “go to” positions - readers, gift bearers, Eucharistic ministers, greeters to hand out programs, ushers – anything pertaining to a Mass or a ceremony that will be more detailed than strictly exchanging vows. When these “go to” positions are not an option, the bride and groom must then decide if the roles they give their friends to get them involved in the wedding are actually going to make them feel involved or put out.
For instance, the response from the writer of this advice column suggested that the bride and groom consider having an older ring bearer. I am not sure what her idea of older is, but I am pretty sure this couple is not looking for a role filled by an 8 year old and I am almost positive that no 25 year old man is going to carry a pillow on his hand walking down the aisle in front of his fraternity brothers. She also suggested that they pick someone who’s fantastic at public speaking and have them emcee the reception. First of all, when was the last time you attended a New Orleans wedding and had someone emceeing the event? Secondly, would you want to be attending a best friend’s wedding and have to be responsible for keeping the party going all night instead of hanging out with the rest of your friends?
While I can see that thinking outside of the box is sometimes necessary to get all of your best friends and closest family included in your special day, making them pass champagne, serve your cake or emcee your wedding reception can make them feel belittled. It also takes them away from having time to celebrate with you, and the whole point is to have them with you, not to ask your best friends to do a job that your caterer or DJ should be doing.
My suggestion is to provide reserved seating at the ceremony for these special friends and/or family members, have corsages and boutonnières for each of them and even include them in the preparation of your day by having lunch or brunch with the entire group or have them in your hotel room for cocktails while you are getting your hair and make-up done. I had a bride in the exact same situation and had all of her closest girlfriends wear the same color and the groom’s closest friends wore the same tie. It was a great idea and the group of friends loved it (and so did the photographer!).
The bottom line is to think about it from your own perspective; wouldn’t you rather have your best friend come to you and say “I really want to include all of you in my wedding ceremony, but we decided to keep it small by only having our family so I’d like you to be with me on my wedding day for hair, make-up, lunch and cocktails as I prepare” or would you rather her say “I could not think of any other way to include you so I’d like you to be a 30 year old flower girl and throw petals at my feet just before I come down the aisle”? I do not know about you, but I’d rather the cocktails!
Friday, January 14, 2011
Friday, January 7, 2011
Anti-Social Status
A few weeks ago, I was approached by a writer doing an article for the Gambit about how the internet has affected wedding planning, the etiquette of weddings and the overall feel of such special events. Since I have not read her finished article (it comes out in the Gambit Wedding Issue on the 11th of this month – shout out!) I do not want to run the risk of writing something similar, but I do have to touch on a one topic in particular that we discussed!
This writer asked me about tweeting and updating face book while at the ceremony. I was a bit confused as I have not had any couples interested in their phones once the ceremony starts. As a matter of fact, I cannot think of a time that I’ve even seen a bride or a groom touch their phone during a ceremony or reception. I guess I should consider myself lucky as this writer had a different experience.
She told me of a couple who stopped in the middle of their ceremony, on the altar, to update their status on facebook to “married.” Maybe I am a bit old fashioned, but really guys? This is what our world has come to? To make this issue even worse, she also told me about a woman who blogs and started her own website all about wedding tweeting. I refuse to use this woman’s name as I feel that it would only promote her and that is the last thing I want to do.
At any rate, this woman recommends that the bride designate one person to be her “wedding tweeter” so that she does not have to worry about tweeting on your wedding day. Seriously, how about this for a recommendation – if you are on the altar thinking about tweeting or your facebook status, don’t get married!
I think this woman just single-handedly explained the reason for the estimated 41% divorce rate (and that rate is for first time marriages only). I guess my question is, where is the line between technological advancement and being just plain pathetic? No offense to those of you who think that tweeting during your wedding is “cute” and “trendy” but in my opinion, it’s tacky and a sign that you’ll be changing that status to “Separated” before you know it.
I am a believer that anything is possible for your wedding and that everything should be original and relate directly to the couple, but how is a silly social network relevant to you and your marriage, unless of course you work for facebook or twitter, and I doubt you do. This is just one example of how technology has taken the personal touch out of our otherwise very personal and intimate tasks/occasions, but there will be more blogs in the future to cover more of those issues. In the meantime, unless your last name or your groom’s last name is Zuckerberg or Dorsey, leave face book and twitter out of the ceremony. Better yet, keep your phone off of the guest list all together.
This writer asked me about tweeting and updating face book while at the ceremony. I was a bit confused as I have not had any couples interested in their phones once the ceremony starts. As a matter of fact, I cannot think of a time that I’ve even seen a bride or a groom touch their phone during a ceremony or reception. I guess I should consider myself lucky as this writer had a different experience.
She told me of a couple who stopped in the middle of their ceremony, on the altar, to update their status on facebook to “married.” Maybe I am a bit old fashioned, but really guys? This is what our world has come to? To make this issue even worse, she also told me about a woman who blogs and started her own website all about wedding tweeting. I refuse to use this woman’s name as I feel that it would only promote her and that is the last thing I want to do.
At any rate, this woman recommends that the bride designate one person to be her “wedding tweeter” so that she does not have to worry about tweeting on your wedding day. Seriously, how about this for a recommendation – if you are on the altar thinking about tweeting or your facebook status, don’t get married!
I think this woman just single-handedly explained the reason for the estimated 41% divorce rate (and that rate is for first time marriages only). I guess my question is, where is the line between technological advancement and being just plain pathetic? No offense to those of you who think that tweeting during your wedding is “cute” and “trendy” but in my opinion, it’s tacky and a sign that you’ll be changing that status to “Separated” before you know it.
I am a believer that anything is possible for your wedding and that everything should be original and relate directly to the couple, but how is a silly social network relevant to you and your marriage, unless of course you work for facebook or twitter, and I doubt you do. This is just one example of how technology has taken the personal touch out of our otherwise very personal and intimate tasks/occasions, but there will be more blogs in the future to cover more of those issues. In the meantime, unless your last name or your groom’s last name is Zuckerberg or Dorsey, leave face book and twitter out of the ceremony. Better yet, keep your phone off of the guest list all together.
Sunday, August 29, 2010
House Party
Recently, a vendor mentioned to me that there’s a new fad entering the wedding world called the House Party. From what I can understand this is a second bridal party which serves as a way for the bride and groom to ask whomever they’d like to join in their wedding festivities. Apparently, the House Party can be equal in size to the original bridal party or can be an even larger group than the bridesmaids and groomsmen that may serve as traditional attendants.
I myself have never experienced this House Party trend, but I am here to tell you that this is neither a new, nor a brilliant phenomenon for two main reasons. Number one, because one of my best friends, Anne, executed a similar method of wedding party expansion for her wedding in 2003 – seven years ago. I also used the same strategy, but with a slight twist, for my wedding 4 years ago. Number two, we had reasons for adding additional attendants. This was not something that we decided to do because we wanted everyone and their grandmother involved in our wedding in order to seem important, which is the reason some of the current guests of honor are creating such massive wedding parties and even more massive faux parties, according to local vendors.
My friend Anne has a huge family, so when she got married she realized that most of her bridal party spots would be taken by her 3 sisters, her sister in law, her cousins and two nieces which did not leave any room for our college clique of 5 lovely ladies. With that being said, she had us walk down the aisle together before the bridal party, wearing our own design of a dress in a similar shade of color as the bridesmaids.
When I got married, I had a situation where family and childhood friends filled most of the “traditional” spots so I took Anne’s idea one step further. I actually included my “college crew” as bridesmaids, but because we did not want to ask more guys just to fill in the spots, I had them walk up the aisle along and they all wore black, while the bridesmaids walking with groomsmen wore red. I also wanted to find a way to honor the grandparents that could not be with us on our wedding day, so I had each of the girls carry a blue flower and deliver it to an altar, set at the front of the church, which had each of the grandparents’ pictures on it and a vase in which to set the flowers.
The girls were involved in showers, the bachelorette party, gifts, the day-of preparations, etc., but I just needed a creative way to fit 9 girls in a bridal party what was supposed to only include 4 couples!! Everyone that I chose to participate in my wedding was either a family member or a friend that is still, 4 years later, considered family. I feel that in picking your bridal party, that’s the way it should be. This is not a competition to see who can have the biggest group, and sometimes that’s what I feel goes on when people start adding House Parties to the wedding.
A good rule of thumb is to ask people who have been with you for the major events leading up to the wedding and the people that you know will be with you and that you want with you when times get rough after the wedding. Besides, if you ask every Tom, Dick and Harry that you’ve ever met to be a bridesmaid, how will your real friends feel? Not very special. And if you have an uneven number of bridesmaids and groomsmen, do not just ask someone in order to keep the numbers even. Have the girls walk up alone and have the guys at the altar with the groom already. If you have more girls than guys, have your maid of honor walk alone or when there are more guys than girls, give one lucky girl two groomsmen as her escorts. The point is, there are ways around having unnecessary attendants and there are definitely other spots to fill in a ceremony rather than creating a House Party. Let’s keep things in perspective and have some kind of standard when choosing the most special group of friends and family to stand before our community and advocate this harmonious occasion!!!
I myself have never experienced this House Party trend, but I am here to tell you that this is neither a new, nor a brilliant phenomenon for two main reasons. Number one, because one of my best friends, Anne, executed a similar method of wedding party expansion for her wedding in 2003 – seven years ago. I also used the same strategy, but with a slight twist, for my wedding 4 years ago. Number two, we had reasons for adding additional attendants. This was not something that we decided to do because we wanted everyone and their grandmother involved in our wedding in order to seem important, which is the reason some of the current guests of honor are creating such massive wedding parties and even more massive faux parties, according to local vendors.
My friend Anne has a huge family, so when she got married she realized that most of her bridal party spots would be taken by her 3 sisters, her sister in law, her cousins and two nieces which did not leave any room for our college clique of 5 lovely ladies. With that being said, she had us walk down the aisle together before the bridal party, wearing our own design of a dress in a similar shade of color as the bridesmaids.
When I got married, I had a situation where family and childhood friends filled most of the “traditional” spots so I took Anne’s idea one step further. I actually included my “college crew” as bridesmaids, but because we did not want to ask more guys just to fill in the spots, I had them walk up the aisle along and they all wore black, while the bridesmaids walking with groomsmen wore red. I also wanted to find a way to honor the grandparents that could not be with us on our wedding day, so I had each of the girls carry a blue flower and deliver it to an altar, set at the front of the church, which had each of the grandparents’ pictures on it and a vase in which to set the flowers.
The girls were involved in showers, the bachelorette party, gifts, the day-of preparations, etc., but I just needed a creative way to fit 9 girls in a bridal party what was supposed to only include 4 couples!! Everyone that I chose to participate in my wedding was either a family member or a friend that is still, 4 years later, considered family. I feel that in picking your bridal party, that’s the way it should be. This is not a competition to see who can have the biggest group, and sometimes that’s what I feel goes on when people start adding House Parties to the wedding.
A good rule of thumb is to ask people who have been with you for the major events leading up to the wedding and the people that you know will be with you and that you want with you when times get rough after the wedding. Besides, if you ask every Tom, Dick and Harry that you’ve ever met to be a bridesmaid, how will your real friends feel? Not very special. And if you have an uneven number of bridesmaids and groomsmen, do not just ask someone in order to keep the numbers even. Have the girls walk up alone and have the guys at the altar with the groom already. If you have more girls than guys, have your maid of honor walk alone or when there are more guys than girls, give one lucky girl two groomsmen as her escorts. The point is, there are ways around having unnecessary attendants and there are definitely other spots to fill in a ceremony rather than creating a House Party. Let’s keep things in perspective and have some kind of standard when choosing the most special group of friends and family to stand before our community and advocate this harmonious occasion!!!
Friday, August 13, 2010
The Evolution of Dance
I started writing this week’s blog early yesterday morning based on a video that I received last weekend. The video was of a bride and groom doing their first dance which was choreographed, and I use that term loosely, to the Evolution of Dance mix. My original point when I was first writing this was to tell people not to do “choreographed” dances as their first dance, but as I researched further, I realized I have to be a bit more specific. I have learned that the song, the reason and the people make all the difference in the world in determining whether or not you should join in with this trend.
First things first, the Evolution of Dance should be off limits from here on out. As a rule, if that is what you are planning to use as your “surprise choreographed” dance, please save yourself and your guests and just dance to “I Will Always Love You.”
Secondly, the surprise of having a choreographed dance is no longer a surprise. It’s now a trend that everyone knows about – the uniqueness has worn off. The only way to actually make this dance unique is the same way you would make a traditional first dance unique: pick a song that no one else has used.
When using the Evolution of Dance as the song for your first dance, you are using a mix that was created by someone else, therefore it’s not unique and it’s also not your idea, just in case you thought you were being creative. Also, taking the signature moves from each of the 30 songs in the mix (i.e. the Twist, the Hokey Pokey, the YMCA and the Chicken Dance) is hardly considered choreography of the unique kind. Furthermore, if songs like Cotton-eyed Joe, Thriller, YMCA and I Like Big Butts have nothing to do with your relationship, and I hope they do not, then do not use those songs as your first dance.
While researching this phenomenon, I found over 1,000 wedding dance videos to Evolution of Dance and that is only for one particular mix. Although every video is entitled “This is the best one I’ve ever seen!” all of the “choreography,” songs and executions are exactly the same. Does that sound unique to you? Here’s an example of what I am talking about. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V9XfzvuVhhs
With all of this being said, I do believe that, when done correctly and by the right “cast,” a performance at a reception can be a great addition, but the first thing you need is a rhyme and a reason. For example, my brother Randy is always challenging people to a dance off or breaking into a dance-fit of some sort at parties/receptions. My sister and I have danced all of our lives and our whole family is known for being on the dance floor (even those without professional training). When Randy gets married, it would not be a surprise to see him celebrate with a little Michael Jackson routine, but with his own twist, of course. Perhaps a family dance to a Jackson 5 favorite would be a treat, but regardless, it would be acceptable and, if I know my family, something that has never been seen before.
When it’s relevant because you are a teacher of dance, a talented performer or someone known for having that outgoing, “get up and dance” personality, you are assuring your guests a great treat! As a matter of fact, I’d be willing to bet that none of the couples out there using Evolution of Dance have a relevant reason for such a show – relevancy typically equals creativity – but for those of you with the “dance” bug and no unique ideas, God has graced us with TLC’s “Rock the Reception.”
This show creates an end product that follows all of the guidelines that I would give to my couples – they get to know the couple and use an original song and choreography that matches their personalities, typically the bridal party (or at least the best man and maid of honor) are brought in to dance with the couple, the dance is only 3 minutes instead of 6 and the couples actually dance instead of doing hand motions or silly cliché movements.
Take some time and check out the proper way to execute this trendy specialty dance. This will truly be a surprise to your guests - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f8xWmlgjUpc&feature=related
p.s. Girls, learn how to dance while wearing your heels!!!
First things first, the Evolution of Dance should be off limits from here on out. As a rule, if that is what you are planning to use as your “surprise choreographed” dance, please save yourself and your guests and just dance to “I Will Always Love You.”
Secondly, the surprise of having a choreographed dance is no longer a surprise. It’s now a trend that everyone knows about – the uniqueness has worn off. The only way to actually make this dance unique is the same way you would make a traditional first dance unique: pick a song that no one else has used.
When using the Evolution of Dance as the song for your first dance, you are using a mix that was created by someone else, therefore it’s not unique and it’s also not your idea, just in case you thought you were being creative. Also, taking the signature moves from each of the 30 songs in the mix (i.e. the Twist, the Hokey Pokey, the YMCA and the Chicken Dance) is hardly considered choreography of the unique kind. Furthermore, if songs like Cotton-eyed Joe, Thriller, YMCA and I Like Big Butts have nothing to do with your relationship, and I hope they do not, then do not use those songs as your first dance.
While researching this phenomenon, I found over 1,000 wedding dance videos to Evolution of Dance and that is only for one particular mix. Although every video is entitled “This is the best one I’ve ever seen!” all of the “choreography,” songs and executions are exactly the same. Does that sound unique to you? Here’s an example of what I am talking about. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V9XfzvuVhhs
With all of this being said, I do believe that, when done correctly and by the right “cast,” a performance at a reception can be a great addition, but the first thing you need is a rhyme and a reason. For example, my brother Randy is always challenging people to a dance off or breaking into a dance-fit of some sort at parties/receptions. My sister and I have danced all of our lives and our whole family is known for being on the dance floor (even those without professional training). When Randy gets married, it would not be a surprise to see him celebrate with a little Michael Jackson routine, but with his own twist, of course. Perhaps a family dance to a Jackson 5 favorite would be a treat, but regardless, it would be acceptable and, if I know my family, something that has never been seen before.
When it’s relevant because you are a teacher of dance, a talented performer or someone known for having that outgoing, “get up and dance” personality, you are assuring your guests a great treat! As a matter of fact, I’d be willing to bet that none of the couples out there using Evolution of Dance have a relevant reason for such a show – relevancy typically equals creativity – but for those of you with the “dance” bug and no unique ideas, God has graced us with TLC’s “Rock the Reception.”
This show creates an end product that follows all of the guidelines that I would give to my couples – they get to know the couple and use an original song and choreography that matches their personalities, typically the bridal party (or at least the best man and maid of honor) are brought in to dance with the couple, the dance is only 3 minutes instead of 6 and the couples actually dance instead of doing hand motions or silly cliché movements.
Take some time and check out the proper way to execute this trendy specialty dance. This will truly be a surprise to your guests - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f8xWmlgjUpc&feature=related
p.s. Girls, learn how to dance while wearing your heels!!!
Friday, August 6, 2010
Wrap It Up
I received a phone call this afternoon from the mother of a former bride asking me for help with her daughter’s baby shower. One of the questions that this mother had was about having a “show shower” which is a shower where the guests bring the gifts unwrapped thereby eliminating the 90 minute task of watching the guest of honor open them. This has been a new “fad” for some of my younger brides and has become a hot topic for them and their mothers. This new party idea is not one that I believe will make it very far in the wedding world if the baby boomers have anything to say about it.
It has been my experience that our mothers’ generation believes that receiving an invitation asking for an unwrapped gift is completely rude. My mom thinks that when she brings a gift to a shower, it should be opened in front of everyone, admired by the bride (or guest of honor) and she wants the gift to have some intimate time with the person who received it. She wants to be acknowledged for the time and effort it took her to purchase the gift and I am sure she believes that the only way to achieve this is to have the guest of honor take her time and effort to unwrap the gift (in particular in front of friends and family at the actual shower).
I have given a “show shower” in my own home. Yes, it’s true. I sent out invitations that made guests believe that the bride-to-be and I are rude and classless by asking for an unwrapped gift! Seriously, the concept was hard for people to grasp at the time, but once the guests realized how much more time there was to spend with the bride, everyone seemed to really appreciate it. We had a table set out to display the gifts so people could take a look at them throughout the shower. Toward the end, we turned the table and had the guests sit and watch while the bride went through all of the gifts showing what each guest had given. She still thanked everyone and we still saw each person’s gift, but it only took 30 minutes, rather than 90 minutes.
Although I feel that when I am invited to a shower, or party, my gift being recognized is not that important, I realize that for other generations, it’s a sign of respect. For most people, they expect to go to a shower and have things done the way it’s been done for centuries before. It’s an understanding that they will be served dry finger sandwiches, punch with no alcohol, paste-like dips with tortilla chips and they will sit for 90 minutes making excited faces over the tea set that grandmamma passed down to the bride (bridal shower ideas are a different blog – coming soon). For me, etiquette is handled on a more case by case basis.
I believe that for this particular “fad” everything depends on your guest list and the theme of your shower. People create expectations based on what you guide them to expect. Doing a “show shower” as a bridal shower is not good etiquette. Typically, this is the more cookie cutter, sophisticated event with family and older generations of guests. However, if it’s a couple’s shower or something a bit more casual where the guest list consists mostly of younger friends rather than older family members, it will probably be a fun alternative to opening gifts.
The “show shower” that I threw at my house was a SAINTS themed couples shower thrown during a Saints game on a Sunday afternoon. Everyone knew what to expect.
In the same token, if you are having a tea given by my your future mother in law, you better get the excited face ready as it is your duty and only fair to give your guests what they expect and arriving with unwrapped gifts is not a fair expectation.
Some traditions, depending on the circumstances, are not meant to be changed and as long as we have mothers and grandmothers, this is one of them. Leave the fun, new traditions for the parties given by your friends and keep the traditional events alive for your mom and her baby boomers. A little compromise never hurt!
It has been my experience that our mothers’ generation believes that receiving an invitation asking for an unwrapped gift is completely rude. My mom thinks that when she brings a gift to a shower, it should be opened in front of everyone, admired by the bride (or guest of honor) and she wants the gift to have some intimate time with the person who received it. She wants to be acknowledged for the time and effort it took her to purchase the gift and I am sure she believes that the only way to achieve this is to have the guest of honor take her time and effort to unwrap the gift (in particular in front of friends and family at the actual shower).
I have given a “show shower” in my own home. Yes, it’s true. I sent out invitations that made guests believe that the bride-to-be and I are rude and classless by asking for an unwrapped gift! Seriously, the concept was hard for people to grasp at the time, but once the guests realized how much more time there was to spend with the bride, everyone seemed to really appreciate it. We had a table set out to display the gifts so people could take a look at them throughout the shower. Toward the end, we turned the table and had the guests sit and watch while the bride went through all of the gifts showing what each guest had given. She still thanked everyone and we still saw each person’s gift, but it only took 30 minutes, rather than 90 minutes.
Although I feel that when I am invited to a shower, or party, my gift being recognized is not that important, I realize that for other generations, it’s a sign of respect. For most people, they expect to go to a shower and have things done the way it’s been done for centuries before. It’s an understanding that they will be served dry finger sandwiches, punch with no alcohol, paste-like dips with tortilla chips and they will sit for 90 minutes making excited faces over the tea set that grandmamma passed down to the bride (bridal shower ideas are a different blog – coming soon). For me, etiquette is handled on a more case by case basis.
I believe that for this particular “fad” everything depends on your guest list and the theme of your shower. People create expectations based on what you guide them to expect. Doing a “show shower” as a bridal shower is not good etiquette. Typically, this is the more cookie cutter, sophisticated event with family and older generations of guests. However, if it’s a couple’s shower or something a bit more casual where the guest list consists mostly of younger friends rather than older family members, it will probably be a fun alternative to opening gifts.
The “show shower” that I threw at my house was a SAINTS themed couples shower thrown during a Saints game on a Sunday afternoon. Everyone knew what to expect.
In the same token, if you are having a tea given by my your future mother in law, you better get the excited face ready as it is your duty and only fair to give your guests what they expect and arriving with unwrapped gifts is not a fair expectation.
Some traditions, depending on the circumstances, are not meant to be changed and as long as we have mothers and grandmothers, this is one of them. Leave the fun, new traditions for the parties given by your friends and keep the traditional events alive for your mom and her baby boomers. A little compromise never hurt!
Friday, July 30, 2010
Choose Wisely
While on my wonderful vacation last week, I had lunch with a friend of mine whose conversation quickly turned our relaxing lunch date into a blog-worthy work session.
It seems a friend of hers is getting married and although she is not a bridesmaid, her friend expects her to do all of the work of a maid of honor, plus more. The ridiculous requests of this bride-to-be got me thinking about expectations placed on bridesmaids and why we pick the maids we pick. Do we expect too much, do we make it easy for our friends to say “yes” and if we do not expect them to participate at all, why did we ask them? Furthermore, if you have a friend that you love spending time with so much and cherish her opinion more than any other, why was she not picked to stand beside you on your special day?
All of these questions are worth asking yourself before you pick your bridesmaids starting with why we pick the girls we pick. You should be asking yourself: Am I just asking this friend to be in my wedding because she had me in hers? Do I feel an obligation? Is my mother making me ask my cousin so my aunt does not get upset? If the answer to any of these questions is “yes,” then you need to think long and hard before asking a “friend” or family member to commit to such an important job.
You should be asking yourself: Has this person been there for the important events in my past? Will this person be there for the important events in my future? Does this person support me and my future husband? Will she be a reliable friend when the road gets rough and will she have a blast with the preparations of my wedding? If the answer to these questions is “yes,” then you’ve found your bridal party!
The next question you should be asking yourself is, “What do I expect from my bridesmaids?” The truth is we want to believe that our friends and family are just as excited about our wedding as we are, and sometimes that is the case. Other times, while the excitement and joy may be there, they can not always show it in the ways we’d like. For instance, expecting your bridal party to put their life on hold, leave work, or run over for a cry-fest every time you have a wedding mini-crisis, is just not realistic (that’s what your wedding planner is for!). Also, expecting your bridal party to pay for your lavish tastes is also a major no-no.
Another friend of mine, while on this wonderful vacation, spoke to me about her bride-to-be friend who expects her, as a bridesmaid, to pay over $300 for a Vera Wang dress and take care of the expenses that come from traveling to Puerto Rico, since that is where the wedding will be held. Along with those expenses comes the cost of showers, gifts, hair and make up on the day of the wedding, shoes and a bachelorette party, just to name a few.
I can definitely understand a destination wedding and I can certainly understand a Vera Wang dress, but most of my brides who have asked for such a huge financial commitment have covered some of the cost in order to give their girls a break and make it comfortable for everyone no matter their position in life at the time. If you choose your girls for the right reasons, it should be more important to make it feasible for your girls to participate than to cause them to drop out due to your outlandish requests.
The bottom line when it comes to bridesmaids is – pick the girls you love the most who will make the most out of your wedding excitement and who will try the hardest to be a part of it. It is true that it’s all about the bride, but I find that the bride who does not enter into the wedding preparation with that mind set, enjoys her engagement and wedding a whole lot more. She also enters into marriage with a lot more friends! After all, the wedding only lasts a day, but if you choose the right bridesmaids, those relationships will last well beyond the style of that Vera Wang dress. Be aware of what you are asking and who you expect to rise to your challenging requests.
It seems a friend of hers is getting married and although she is not a bridesmaid, her friend expects her to do all of the work of a maid of honor, plus more. The ridiculous requests of this bride-to-be got me thinking about expectations placed on bridesmaids and why we pick the maids we pick. Do we expect too much, do we make it easy for our friends to say “yes” and if we do not expect them to participate at all, why did we ask them? Furthermore, if you have a friend that you love spending time with so much and cherish her opinion more than any other, why was she not picked to stand beside you on your special day?
All of these questions are worth asking yourself before you pick your bridesmaids starting with why we pick the girls we pick. You should be asking yourself: Am I just asking this friend to be in my wedding because she had me in hers? Do I feel an obligation? Is my mother making me ask my cousin so my aunt does not get upset? If the answer to any of these questions is “yes,” then you need to think long and hard before asking a “friend” or family member to commit to such an important job.
You should be asking yourself: Has this person been there for the important events in my past? Will this person be there for the important events in my future? Does this person support me and my future husband? Will she be a reliable friend when the road gets rough and will she have a blast with the preparations of my wedding? If the answer to these questions is “yes,” then you’ve found your bridal party!
The next question you should be asking yourself is, “What do I expect from my bridesmaids?” The truth is we want to believe that our friends and family are just as excited about our wedding as we are, and sometimes that is the case. Other times, while the excitement and joy may be there, they can not always show it in the ways we’d like. For instance, expecting your bridal party to put their life on hold, leave work, or run over for a cry-fest every time you have a wedding mini-crisis, is just not realistic (that’s what your wedding planner is for!). Also, expecting your bridal party to pay for your lavish tastes is also a major no-no.
Another friend of mine, while on this wonderful vacation, spoke to me about her bride-to-be friend who expects her, as a bridesmaid, to pay over $300 for a Vera Wang dress and take care of the expenses that come from traveling to Puerto Rico, since that is where the wedding will be held. Along with those expenses comes the cost of showers, gifts, hair and make up on the day of the wedding, shoes and a bachelorette party, just to name a few.
I can definitely understand a destination wedding and I can certainly understand a Vera Wang dress, but most of my brides who have asked for such a huge financial commitment have covered some of the cost in order to give their girls a break and make it comfortable for everyone no matter their position in life at the time. If you choose your girls for the right reasons, it should be more important to make it feasible for your girls to participate than to cause them to drop out due to your outlandish requests.
The bottom line when it comes to bridesmaids is – pick the girls you love the most who will make the most out of your wedding excitement and who will try the hardest to be a part of it. It is true that it’s all about the bride, but I find that the bride who does not enter into the wedding preparation with that mind set, enjoys her engagement and wedding a whole lot more. She also enters into marriage with a lot more friends! After all, the wedding only lasts a day, but if you choose the right bridesmaids, those relationships will last well beyond the style of that Vera Wang dress. Be aware of what you are asking and who you expect to rise to your challenging requests.
Sunday, July 18, 2010
Wearing White
Last night I had the pleasure of being involved in the wedding of a life-long friend and everything was perfect! The weather held out for us, the day ran smoothly as each of the 13 bridesmaids got our hair and make up done and the first glimpse of the flowers delivered to the house proved that this would be a wedding that none of the guests would soon forget. What I can not forget, however, is our limo pulling up the church for the ceremony and seeing not one, not two, but three guests walking into the church wearing…… WHITE!!!
I did not think this would be a topic that I would have to cover, but perhaps everyone needs a refresher course. While some professionals will tell you that the “no wearing white to a wedding” rule is dismissed, I am here to tell you that it is still in full effect and everyone should take it seriously!
Wearing an outfit with white in it is fine, but wearing an all white dress, or pants suit for that matter, is a major “no, no”. I believe in the past, before bridal gowns of this elaborate caliber came into the picture, other guests wearing white just made it confusing for the wedding attendees who might now wonder which of the white wearers were in fact the blushing bride.
In most cases today, there’s no question about who the bride is, but there’s a courtesy that each guest should give to the bride. That courtesy is not wearing white. If you had a birthday party and one of your friends showed up wearing the same dress as you, the birthday girl, how tragic would that be? When it comes to a wedding, consider any dress that is white to be the equivalent of you showing up wearing the same exact gown as the bride.
Rules are certainly meant to be broken, changed, bent and in some aspects ignored, but this is a very simple tradition that is here to stay. White is for the bride at a wedding, a wedding shower, a wedding luncheon or a wedding rehearsal. If you are attending something that has the word wedding involved in it and you are not the bride, find another color and wear white when it’s your turn. That simple color of white is what defines the bride as the most important person in the room so do not compete with her. You’ll never win!!!
I did not think this would be a topic that I would have to cover, but perhaps everyone needs a refresher course. While some professionals will tell you that the “no wearing white to a wedding” rule is dismissed, I am here to tell you that it is still in full effect and everyone should take it seriously!
Wearing an outfit with white in it is fine, but wearing an all white dress, or pants suit for that matter, is a major “no, no”. I believe in the past, before bridal gowns of this elaborate caliber came into the picture, other guests wearing white just made it confusing for the wedding attendees who might now wonder which of the white wearers were in fact the blushing bride.
In most cases today, there’s no question about who the bride is, but there’s a courtesy that each guest should give to the bride. That courtesy is not wearing white. If you had a birthday party and one of your friends showed up wearing the same dress as you, the birthday girl, how tragic would that be? When it comes to a wedding, consider any dress that is white to be the equivalent of you showing up wearing the same exact gown as the bride.
Rules are certainly meant to be broken, changed, bent and in some aspects ignored, but this is a very simple tradition that is here to stay. White is for the bride at a wedding, a wedding shower, a wedding luncheon or a wedding rehearsal. If you are attending something that has the word wedding involved in it and you are not the bride, find another color and wear white when it’s your turn. That simple color of white is what defines the bride as the most important person in the room so do not compete with her. You’ll never win!!!
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